Whenever possible, those in recovery are encouraged to make direct amends face-to-face with those they’d harmed while living in addiction. Living amends is a concept linked to addiction recovery and part of the twelve-step program for sober living. In simple terms, it means taking responsibility for the person you used to be and how you caused harm to the people in your life who care about you. It’s possible to be too early in the healing journey to start making amends. If you’re actively using drugs or alcohol, making amends can seem like an empty gesture to the other person.
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A 12-step program is designed to encourage long-term sobriety, by fostering a spirituality for recovery. Each step signifies a new challenge to reflect and/or act in a way that changes old mindsets and behaviors that once fed addiction. Through mutual support groups living amends like Alcoholics Anonymous, members learn and practice these spiritual steps and principles, with a view to staying sober and helping others do the same. One of the best ways you can make long-lasting changes to your relationships is by being true to your word.
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Forgiveness may not come on our timetable, but what gives us the right to set the timetable? Maybe they got sick of watching the addiction destroy us and our family. Maybe they are guarding their heart because they are afraid we might relapse or say something hurtful. In many cases, making direct amends to them is simply not possible. These promises are often the most difficult to keep because addiction plays a decisive role in a person’s ability to live up to their promises. Their parent may feel more pain for their addicted child’s inability to get sober than the material items lost due to the thefts.
You may not be able to rectify “everything” you’ve done to the other person, but you can repair specific wrongs. The spiritual purpose of making amends is to find inner peace, freedom, release, and rebirth. While this step involves a direct exchange with another person, its goal has everything to do with healing and addiction recovery on the part of the person making the amends. Talk with your sponsor or others in your recovery community about what has worked for them. If your actions match your intentions and you reach out in person, you are doing the next right thing to right past wrongs. And remember, if you are feeling ashamed about mistakes made and damage done during your using days, you are not your disease.
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If you promised your son or daughter to be there to see them off to college, clean yourself up and show up. You don’t have to be the best son or daughter, and you don’t need to be an ideal parent, but you need to show up when you make promises to do so. These changes in behavior help toward the goal of reestablishing relationships or making them stronger. SmartAsset methodology was to use its data as a baseline total wage, adding in 30% of the total in wants and 20% in savings or debt for individuals or families. City staff will return in 90 days with possible next steps to correct what the city calls “racial animus” carried out more than 60 years ago. That could include the use of eminent domain once again to reclaim property that could be returned to White’s descendants.
We are not tied to the old behaviors of our disease, or to our character defects. Although it sounds lofty, there are realistic, achievable ways to implement examples of making amends. Part of my living amends is also being the friend my friends deserve and the employee my employers hired in good faith. Living amends touches deep parts of our lives and souls if we allow them.
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We can also make a living amends by changing the behaviors that hurt or harmed them, and we can let go of the all-consuming guilt that would only tempt us to use again. However, these promises are usually the result of deep feelings of shame, guilt, and regret and may not be genuine for some. Many times, these kinds of promises serve to alleviate the wrongdoer’s guilt and so that they can say they apologized before their loved one died. With these kinds of promises, there may not be enough genuine intention of changing their hurtful patterns and behaviors.
Making amends involves acknowledging and correcting past behaviors. It’s a transformational part of addiction recovery that takes courage, self-awareness, and a willingness to change. Should others be unreceptive or outcomes aren’t as planned, don’t blame yourself.